


Learning

by BlackValentine



Category: FAKE (Manga)
Genre: Difficult Decisions, M/M, Matchbox 20, Some smoking/drinking, Songfic, minor language, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 09:23:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8744599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackValentine/pseuds/BlackValentine
Summary: One-shot look into Dee's past relationships based on the songs "Bed of Lies" and "Rest Stop" by Matchbox 20





	

_No I would not sleep in this bed of lies  
So toss me out and turn in  
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes  
I'm marking it down to learning  
I am_

Smoke lifted lazily out the open window, trailing from the cigarette settled between two long fingers that rested upon a sweatpants-clad knee. The hand’s owner lifted it to his mouth, sucking in the poisonous fumes before blowing them back out and watching the cloud disappear into the clear night. Behind him in the dark bedroom came the sound of shifting blankets, and emerald green eyes turned to look over his shoulder at the lump on the bed as it settled back down with a soft exhale of breath. Dee stared for a moment, then turned back to the window and took another drag of his cigarette. 

Another sleepless night. 

Berkley was going to chew him out tomorrow if he showed up exhausted again, but sleep, just like his mate, kept refusing him lately. Maybe the two were conspiring against him. 

“Dammit, Dee. I told you not to smoke in the house.” Came a sleepy voice from behind him, causing Dee to sigh as he shifted on the window bench to be closer to the open air.

“It’s going outside.”  
“I can still smell it.”  
“I’m almost done.”  
“Just put it out and come to bed. You’re letting the cold air in anyway.”

Again Dee sighed, but it was quiet as he stared out over the brightly lit city that never slept. Ironic, really. 

“I’m almost done,” he repeated quietly, finally looking over his shoulder again when he heard a growl of aggravation accompanied by the sound of moving blankets. His boyfriend climbed from bed, wearing nothing but boxers that showed off every muscle on his body, and came over to take the cigarette from Dee’s hand.

“No. Smoking. In. The house,” the other said as he leaned over Dee to stub out the cigarette on the windowsill before tossing it into the garbage can next to the desk nearby. Dee grit his teeth, but fought to keep his voice steady.

“You’re gonna start a fire like that.”

But his boyfriend ignored him as he leaned across again, pushing the window down and closed, nearly banging Dee’s knee and hand in the process.

“And keep the window closed. I ain’t paying to give the hobos heat.”

Dee took a deep breath, willing himself not to say anything that would start an argument.

“It’s not even that cold, babe. Maybe warmer pajamas?” he suggested, leaning back against the wall where he sat, fingers fidgeting where the cigarette had been. He hadn’t been done with it yet, and was itchy for another. 

“Maybe don’t keep the damn window open. How’s that instead?” Aaron countered as he walked away through the darkness until the light from their fridge filled the small space. Dee saw his mate pull out a can of beer before closing the door and sending them back into darkness. Just what he needed… more alcohol. Sighing heavily, Dee finally slid off the bench and went to the door, slipping on his shoes.

“Where are you going?”  
“Outside to smoke,” Dee responded. He didn’t need to look to see the eye roll that came with the overdramatic sigh.  
“I thought you were quitting that shit anyway?”  
Dee shrugged. “Yeah, well I thought you were quitting drinking, but here we are.”  
“It’s just a beer!”  
“It’s just a cigarette.”

Aaron growled again, and Dee could feel the glare burning into his back as he knelt to tie his shoes.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he said quietly, not giving the other a chance to answer as he slipped out the door and closed it behind him, leaving it unlocked. The hallway was dimly lit and quiet aside the gentle hum of the heaters and murmurs of televisions as he passed by some of the rooms. At the bottom of the stairs, the security guard gave him a nod that Dee returned before stepping through the glass door - they still hadn’t replaced the damaged glass, he noticed - and stepped out into the night.

Okay, so maybe it was kinda chilly. Licking his lips, Dee was grateful for his long sleeves as he lit up another cigarette and shoved his free hand into his pocket along with the lighter. The first inhale was always bitter, he found, but a quick exhale and longer inhale gave him the satisfactory flavor and instant relaxation he craved. He really had planned to stop, but it was hard when the nicotine was the only thing keeping him sane. Between the chaos at work and his tumultuous relationship, he wasn’t quite sure what else would keep him from tipping over on the scales. 

_Just like me you got needs  
And they're only a whisper away  
And we softly surrender  
To these lives that we've tendered away_

Sighing into the night, he looked up, watching the smoke disappear into the starless night. Once he’d gone on a case out of the city, out of their jurisdiction even, and had barely been able to concentrate due to the number of stars dotting the sky. The light pollution was one of the few things he hated about living in the city. That and the crime rate, but he supposed the criminals were what gave him a job, and everyone had to make a living. He’d been there… not down the criminal road, necessarily, but in that desperate state of mind. Granted some of the criminals he arrested were quite proud of their crimes and not desperate at all, but others couldn’t hide it. That was the only part of the job that really got to him, was seeing people who were so desperate to make a living that they’d reduced themselves to a life of crime just trying to stay alive, or keep those they loved alive. And then they ended up in jail, and Dee wondered what their families did then. How did they survive after the money stopped, or the stolen food stopped? 

Dee shook his head. He had enough to worry about in his own life without stressing over the families of all the criminals trudging through the justice system. And yet they still wouldn’t leave him be.

He sucked hard on the cigarette and held the breath before expelling it again, trying to think of anything else. 

Like the fact he should have brought gloves. 

They only lived on the second story, an easy hop skip and jump for Dee up the stairs since he didn’t trust the elevator after the doors had jammed on him a few months ago (he knew nothing in the building ever got fixed, and the broken glass on the door proved that), but it also meant going back inside where Aaron was no doubt on his second can of beer by now. If he stayed out long enough, his mate would be passed out again and he could sit up in peace. Maybe even make himself something to eat without Aaron bitching about the smell of the gas stove. 

Dee took another breath of smoke.

A happily drunk couple wandered down the street, laughing too loudly and stumbling all over the sidewalk, and Dee stepped back closer to the wall to let them pass, the guy saluting him in a drunkenly over dramatic way that made Dee grin. He returned it with a small salute of his own, then the couple carried on their way, no doubt headed for the hotel a few blocks away. He sent up a silent prayer for their safe arrival as they disappeared from sight.

Another breath of smoke.

A pang of jealousy hit him as his wandering gaze fell upon another couple across the way, saying their goodnights on the doorstep of the apartments on the other side of the street. A young couple, maybe a few years younger than himself, probably on a first or second date judging by the shy awkwardness of their body language. The girl held a small bouquet of bright pink and yellow flowers in one hand as she tucked her hair behind her ear with the other, obviously waiting for a goodnight kiss. Her date was standing on the ground below the step she was standing on, making them the same height, and he was fidgeting as he spoke to her, making her smile as he desperately tried to keep coming up with things to say, delaying the end of their date. Dee smiled sadly, longing for the innocent naivety, and looked away when the guy finally got the nerve to kiss the girl goodnight. He’d never had that in a relationship, something he’d never realized until he had grown older and seen other relationships flourish around him. 

Their relationships bloomed into marriages. His spiraled into disaster.   
Another tug on the cigarette. It was almost gone now.

Dee’s thoughts turned to his current relationship. He’d met Aaron while he was on a case - probably not the best place, in retrospect - and Aaron had offered to buy him a coffee once it was done. Dee had agreed, charmed by the other’s good looks and forward nature, and it had only taken two ‘dates’ at the coffee shop before they began dating. As with all of his relationships, they had moved forward quickly, and Dee had accepted the invitation to move out of his crummy little apartment into Aaron’s… slightly less crummy apartment. 

That had been almost a year ago now. Eight months since learning Aaron was a closet alcoholic. Six months since the bickering had begun. Four months since one of Dee’s close colleagues had been murdered, sticking him in a hard case to find his murderer. Two months since he’d thrown out the rest of the nicotine patches and bought his first box of cigarettes in almost a month. 

Twenty minutes since their last ‘fight’. They never truly fought, at least not physically. Aaron yelled when he got drunk and Dee yelled back, but it had never been bad enough to have the cops called… Dee made sure to avoid that embarrassment since he knew most of the cops in the other precincts as well. 

One last drag on the cigarette before he stubbed it out in the ashtray near the door and shoved his freezing hand deep into the pocket of his sweatpants. Damn it was cold. 

So many times over the past six months Dee had thought about leaving, but each time he talked himself out of it. Where would he go was the biggest problem. He could afford a small apartment on his own, but finding one within his price range was near impossible, and he’d given up the one he had when he’d moved in with Aaron. It wasn’t that bad was usually the second argument to himself. He convinced himself all couples fought. That it was normal. That everyone had their issues, everyone had their certain needs and wants and couples had to work through it to find out what their partner needed from them. They just hadn’t worked through it yet, he rationalized, but they would. They just had to stick together. It would get better, but if he ended it now, they’d never know. 

The last protest was one he tried to deny, but it still spoke from the depths of his soul, a tiny voice refusing to be ignored.

He hated being alone. He hated coming home to an empty house after a hard day at work and having no one to talk to. Hated the cold, lonely bed as he tossed and turned, trying to sleep. Somehow, even if he wasn’t sleeping in it, just knowing there was someone in his bed should he be able to sleep was a comfort. Knowing someone was home waiting for him, even if that person was drunk and really not waiting all too anxiously for him, was a comfort. Even if they bickered constantly, it was better than the silence of being alone. 

And so he just tried harder instead. He tried harder to make it work, tried harder to bite his tongue and not say anything that he knew would start an argument. He forced himself away, becoming someone else the moment he walked in the door, in order to blend with his mate instead. Looking back, Dee had been a lot of people in his life and rarely ever himself. 

_Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over  
Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong  
Where it's not enough just be sorry_

His hand came back out of his pocket, holding another cigarette, but he thought better of it. Almost a half hour had passed now, maybe even longer, and he could hardly feel anything but the biting cold on his skin. Maybe Aaron would be passed out, and maybe he could join him now… maybe even sleep. 

Hurrying back inside, he hardly noticed that the security guard was now asleep at his desk, and took the stairs two at a time to the second floor. There was a couple arguing in one of the apartments as he passed, but their voices faded as he shuffled down the hall to their door, the knob warm in his shaking hand. The door opened silently, the oil still working from when he’d fixed it a few weeks ago, and the dark apartment greeted him once more. 

Dee used the light from the hall to locate Aaron, finding him passed out once more with three beer cans on the floor under his hand that dangled over the edge of the bed. A sense of relief filled him, and he closed the door silently behind him before kneeling to untie and remove his shoes. Crossing to the kitchen, socks silent on the cheap linoleum, he flipped on a small lamp and made himself a bowl of cereal before turning it off again and heading back to the window bench. 

The digital alarm clock by the bed faced him, taunting him, glowing bright green in the darkness. Three am. He had to be to work in five hours, and sleep was still a lifetime away. 

Aaron shifted on the bed, withdrawing his bare arm from the cold, and Dee crunched slowly at his cereal, watching the dark lump under the blankets as it moved slowly up and down with his mate’s breath. They’d been so happy when they first met, a whirlwind of charm and quick romance, hot nights that bled into long talks till early in the morning, telling each other about their dreams and plans for the future, admissions of their fear and doubts, and even some regrets of their pasts. Dee missed those talks, but had a feeling it wouldn’t be the same anymore. Their plans for their futures had always been different, but in the beginning that hadn’t mattered. It had been exciting as they came up with ideas of how to humor both of their dreams, no matter how opposite they had been. 

He wondered what would happen now if they tried to have one of those talks he’d enjoyed so much. While they’d promised to work it out back then, he doubted that would happen now. In fact, the last time Dee had mentioned casually that a coworker had become a father and he thought maybe one day he’d want a kid or two, Aaron had laughed at him, telling him the idea of Dee being a father was hilarious. He wasn’t fit to take care of himself, apparently, much less some ‘helpless kid’. Don’t ruin their life, Aaron had told him. Give the poor kid a chance at being happy at least.

Dee took another bite of cereal, thinking maybe he should have smoked that second cigarette after all. 

_While you were sleeping  
I was listening to the radio  
And wondering what you're dreaming when  
It came to mind that I didn't care_

They were nothing alike, Aaron and he, and they never would be. Each wanted the other to change and neither one would, at least no more than Dee already had, but even he had a limit. They both had different wants and plans and dreams in life, and while in the past Dee had been more than willing to give up on his in order to keep the peace, he was slowly realizing that he really didn’t want to do that anymore. 

He wondered what Aaron would think, what he would say or do if he decided to take charge and start working towards one of his plans. Like if he started taking classes again to further his education so he could continue to progress in his job. Or if he really buckled down at work to prove to Berkley that he deserved the raise he’d asked for months back and hadn’t received. Or maybe even if he kept his own paycheck and used it to buy a home computer so he could type his reports instead of handing in chicken scratch all the time. If anything, the last one would probably piss Aaron off the most, since Dee’s paycheck paid for several bills and all of their food, including his mate’s beloved beer. 

He also realized he didn’t really care. His cereal soggy, Dee watched Aaron’s breathing under the blanket and realized that for the first time in their relationship, that the internal arguments were silenced. There was no worry about what Aaron would think, what he would say, what he would do. There was no holding back to avoid an argument. For once in a long time, his mind was made up before he’d even decided on it, and he found himself crossing the room to the kitchen again where he dumped the soggy cereal in the sink and placed the bowl down in the dirty steel ring. 

_So I thought - hell if it's over  
I had better end it quick  
Or I could lose my nerve  
Are you listening - can you hear me  
Have you forgotten_

A snore sounded in the room, a grunting snore as Aaron rolled over on the bed, one arm flailing out of the blanket again to lay across the bed where Dee’s chest would have been had he been there with him. But Dee wasn’t even watching as he pulled down a suitcase - the only one he owned - and began filling it with his few suits and all his other clothes and shoes and the random little belongings he owned. Everything in one suitcase, just like when he’d lived with Penguin at the orphanage. Easy to pack, easy to move. Hard to steal from, especially when he’d always worn the key for the small padlock on the zipper on a chain around his neck, the same chain he still wore that carried a small golden cross. 

Zipping it shut, he finally looked up while he was pulling on his coat and took a slow breath. This was good, he told himself. This would be good. Aaron would understand. He’d find someone else easily, and Dee… Dee would find someone else too. He always did. The city was filled with people with different problems, different dreams, and different outlooks on life. There had to be someone out there more like him.

_I don't wanna be cold  
I don't wanna be cruel  
But I gotta find more  
Than what's happening with you_

Dee looked around the small studio apartment that had been his home for the past year and swallowed harshly. 

“Sorry, babe. I tried,” he whispered, eyes falling on the bed once more where Aaron lay, snoring now with his face smooshed against the pillow. Tearing his gaze away, he grabbed his suitcase and pulled open the door, making sure it was locked this time before he closed it one more time. His key for the apartment was in the small dish just inside the door where he’d left it; he didn’t need it anymore. Maybe Aaron would keep it as a spare, he thought as he walked slowly down the hall, his shoes a quiet whisper on the carpet. Maybe a spare, or maybe he would give it to his new boyfriend when he found one. Dee was sure it wouldn’t take long.

The security guard was slumped over in his chair, chin on his chest and snoring away when Dee crossed the lobby and pushed open the front door with its broken glass held together by packing tape, just as it had been for weeks. 

He doubted the elevator worked anymore either. 

Outside, it was colder than it had been before, and Dee paused to button his coat and pull on his gloves. The apartments across the street were dark now, but in the light from the streetlamp he could see a bouquet of bright pink and yellow flowers in a vase in the window of a third story room and it made him smile. 

There was hope still in this city. Despite the crime, despite the politics, despite the stress and chaos he knew awaited him when he clocked into work in a few hours, there was still hope. People still had dreams and plans for the future despite their fears and doubts and past regrets. Aaron would be another past regret for sure, but it wasn’t all bad. They had good memories too, and if nothing else, Dee realized as he walked down the street to where his car was parked, Aaron was a learning experience. 

Everything in life was something to learn from… Penguin had taught him that, and he’d hated it as a kid. He didn’t want to learn from getting detention in school for punching down the school bully. He didn’t want to learn from his teacher holding him back because she didn’t like his attitude. He didn’t want to learn from the Sunday school classes or the confessions box where he’d always had to make a list to bring each week. But now as an adult as he tossed his suitcase in the car and slid inside, closing the door against the chilly breeze, he knew she was right. 

Not that he’d ever admit it, of course.

Dee sighed as he started the car and waited a moment for it to warm up before pulling away from the curb. The traffic wouldn’t be too bad just yet, and he’d have time to stop for some breakfast and still be early to work. There were reports to type up, and if he got done fast enough, maybe he could research some classes to take and if the local college had any financial aid available. 

This would be good, he told himself as he drove away, the apartment he’d called home for the last year disappearing from his rearview mirror. People had different dreams and needs and plans, and he was done listening to other people talk down his. And as he drove, he realized for the first time in over a month that he wasn’t craving a cigarette.

**Author's Note:**

> "Bed of Lies" and "Rest Stop" both belong to Matchbox 20 because they're amazing.  
> Story idea belongs to my mind listening to songs on repeat way too many times.  
> Aaron is a random character that I guess belongs to me now.  
> Dee belongs to FAKE and its wonderful author.  
> Don't sue me; I'm poor D:  
> Comments are loved!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNr4Gv6PaWY - Bed of Lies  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGSuhydDChw - Rest Stop


End file.
